Title: Spiders

When I was a little boy, my mother told me that it was bad luck to kill a spider inside the house. Five years ago I was bitten by a Brown Recluse while I was sleeping in my bed. I no longer allow spiders to live inside my house, except for Daddy Long Legs of course.

I’m sitting on the back deck, hanging out with one of my friends and grilling some Angus Burgers. Since he’s on the phone with his lady, I’m on my phone with you. Writing is my relationship, and might remain so for the rest of my days. My second divorce, just over four years ago, caused more than enough damage, I’m good on relationships.

Okay, back to spiders. I had a thought a few minutes ago while watching my buddy run from a little spider. The fact that he weighs approximately 250 pounds added to the already high level of haha. Anyway, I was wondering how funny it might be if spiders could talk about, and laugh about, the reactions they get sometimes. I decided what the heck, I can make that happen.

So, here we go, welcome to my world of talking spiders!

Spider 1) okay, it’s your turn, this time the challenge is to get a human (with shoes on) to get up from the chair, and run away.

**Of course this changes everything, if the person is wearing shoes they’re more likely to smash the spider**

Spider 2) f**k you spider 1, your human didn’t have shoes on!

Spider Ref) okay listen, it’s a new round, you’ve both survived one human without shoes, are we going to continue or not, what are you a spider or a fly!

Spider 1) well?

Spider 2) fine I’ll do it, don’t ever call me a fly b***h! Do it again and see what happens!

Spider #2 creeps closer to a woman in a lawn chair, she’s sitting on a patio, smoking a cigarette and talking on her phone. Slowly the spider makes his way down through the seam between the bricks, closer and closer to the unsuspecting woman on the phone. Closer, closer, then a little closer. Spider #2 was in position, gave the other spiders a furtive glance, yep everyone is ready.

Then, ahhhhhhh, the woman on the phone screams as she gets out of her chair, drops her iPhone X, and jumps to to top step just outside the sliding glass door.

Spider #2 stops, turns, throws up four or five middle fingers to spider #1, then calmly makes his way back to safely.

Spider Ref) well done spider #2, you sir are most definitely not a fly.

Spider Ref says these words as he takes off his hat, gives spider #2 a quick bow, and then turns to spider #1.

Spider Ref) are you ready sir, hey are you with us Spider #1?

Spider #1) what?

Spider #2) what’s up ? You’re looking around like your mother is calling you home for dinner.

This comment bring laughter from a small group of female spiders, giggling between themselves, and checking out the brave spider #2.

Spider #1) yo, I got a bad feeling about this.

Spider #1 whispers these words in Spider Refs ear, not quite quiet enough though.

Spider #2) hey this was your idea Spider #1, I went first, now it’s on you buddy. Now who’s the fly? Ha ha ha ha ha, Spider #1 is a fly.

This brought a road of laughter from the ladies, who were now smiling at Spider #2, and laughing at Slider #1.

Spider Ref) Spider #1 you’re up, let’s go sir.

Spider #1 knew he had only two options, go through with it, or not go home to spider city, and that just wouldn’t do. Reluctantly, Spider #1 made his way to the seam, not the seam that Spider #2 had used, but a seam running to the other side of the table, and to the feet (and shoes) of the other human. A large male human, with big feet, covered in sandals.

Spider #2, Spider Ref, and the three female spiders watched closely, barely breathing with anticipation as Spider #1 slowly, but deliberately scurried along on his eight legs towards what might be his doom.

Brick by brick, Spider #1 creeps and crawls, in a most clandestinely manner, like only a skilled spider can do.

Spider #2) hey Ref, maybe we shouldn’t have pushed him, what if he was right, what if….

Spider #2 doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, instead the sound of a heavy smash turns his head. All of the spiders look in disbelief at the large male human, now standing up straight on both feet, speaking in a language that the spiders don’t understand. The human picks up his girlfriend’s cell phone, scrapes Spider #1 off of his shoe, and walks into the house, closing the door behind him.

Well, whether your a human, or a spider, you should go with your gut.


August 17, 2019


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