I asked the Universe for something. No, this doesn’t have anything to do with anything dark or evil. Although I’m not going to tell you what I asked for. The details of that experience are sensitive. Further disclosure of something so personal would not be wise.
Even if somehow I had known what was going to happen, I could not have prepared myself for the rollercoaster of change that would begin to take place before the next Sunrise. The opportunity to look back had slipped away.
I must begin by saying [writing], much of what happened to me cannot be disclosed here at this time. Although, a few of the slightly [spooky and shocking] details have made their way into my novel. It seemed like a good idea since a large percentage of what I’ve seen may come across as a fictional fantasy to many readers. Posting something on my blog only to trigger a response of, “okay, that’s not possible. This guy needs a med check,” would be somewhat disappointing. Particularly since speaking the truth is required for me to be myself. I do not tell lies.
A few years ago, I began using the term [level ups]. Yes, I highjacked it from video games. I needed something for reference, some way to explain things if only to myself. It’s a funny thing, knowing Donkey Kong had it right all along.
Almost overnight, my ability to discern accelerated to a level beyond anything I had experienced. This was only the beginning, as my newly enhanced connection to my environment began to take over, pushing my previous life farther and farther out of reach. This connection is difficult to explain without sounding like I lost touch with reality. Up until then, I had always considered my mind unbreakable. No, I soon learned that was not the case. Although highly resilient, I’m not Superman, and I can still see the night that I realized how wrong I had been.
My buddy was driving. I was sitting in the front passenger seat of his car, exhausted from months of relentless discovery. I had laid my head on my hands in the window so I could feel the night air. I remember thinking, “This is how it feels to be right on the edge and staring at the potential for madness. I have to choose stupid, over crazy. Better to not know something than to lose my f*****g mind. I cannot go on like this.”
Things continued like that for another three years. You don’t know what you’re capable of surviving until you must. I didn’t lose my f*****g mind, but I did catch a glimpse of what such a loss might look like, and it’s terrifying. There are no words to describe what I experienced. I cannot think of a movie for comparison. Maybe this will help though. For those of you who have tried a psychedelic drug at some point during your life, imagine what it would be like if that trip lasted for years. Similar to psychedelic microdosing for four consecutive years, but without the use of the drug. Yep, kind of like that but much stronger, and everything was real. By the way, the drugs I have done do not contribute to what I’ve experienced. Furthermore, when I did use drugs like LSD during high school, my experiences seemed to be different than my friend’s. I did not hallucinate.
Since then, there have been several plateaus requiring me to draw a line in the sand. These temporary [partitions] have been necessary, and have helped me to survey my surroundings. The last one was nearly 18 months ago and manifested while I was sleeping. I woke up during the night to what is best described as an [anxiety attack]. I spent at least an hour walking off my incredibly panicked state of mind. At the time, it felt like the sky was falling [once again].
August 25, 2020
One thought on “Journals [Embracing The Universe Part III, Choosing Stupid Over Crazy]”
Panic attacks are really scary. It reminds me of severe Akathisia or being encaged- with no way out.
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