Qualifications of a Real Man?

Please keep this in mind. As a man and a Good Man, I’m writing about something I’m familiar with. If I were a womann, I’d be writing about Good Women.

If we sat down and created a Real Man Qualification Assessment, not all of the male population would test high enough to qualify as Real Men. Those who fail would fail for various reasons—everything from being the result of Bad Parenting to consciously choosing to be Dirtbags. That’s right, some guys decide to be Dirtbags or worse. Although, I must add, I received poor parenting, and I eventually turned out okay.

As far as qualifications, I’m confident the qualifications vary from person to person, family to family, male to male, and woman to woman. It’s not that I get to decide; I believe the qualifications are inscribed in stone, much like the difference between right and wrong. Regardless of whether or not we admit it, by the time we become young adults, everyone knows the difference between right and wrong. There is no escaping this reality.

Recently, I told a friend, “I hope you find a good man.” My heart is in the right place, but how many good men are out there? Will she meet someone who’s up for the challenge? How many men will treat a single mother with a child the way she should be treated? It takes a Real Man to help raise another man’s child. There are no instruction manuals when it comes to being a stepfather.

Before I get into the qualifications for being a Real Man, I’d like to get sidetracked first and touch on something known as ‘Kindness and weakness.’ This has nothing to do with my friend. She’s a good woman, and I have an incredible amount of respect for her.

Most of you have probably heard someone say, “Don’t confuse my kindness for Weekness’.” Or, at least, something to that effect. Many people take kindness as a weakness. Remember the old saying? Nice guys finish last. It’s often true..

Kindness and weakness between a man and a woman can be particularly hurtful, especially when completely intentional. What happens when a Good Man falls for a woman with malicious intentions?

Since starting this blog more than four years ago, I’ve been writing about emotional pain and the effects of pain on our minds, bodies, and even our Soul. I’ve said this so many times. We are our pain. Our pain creates us. That said, what we do with our pain is the question. Do we allow it to lead us into darkness? Do we become what hurt us? How many times have you heard an abuser say, “I’m only like this because it happened to me?”

So, when a harmful woman damages a Good Man, how does it affect the way he treats women? I’ve seen a range of outcomes. Some become players, treating women like whores and sleeping with as many as possible. I’ve known men who boast of having had sex with hundreds of women. A couple of these guys have been friends of mine, and I do not question their numbers. These same guys also boast of having venereal warts and other sexually transmitted diseases. Remember, when you have sex with someone, you’re also having sex with everyone they’ve had sex with. Or at least, everyone they’ve had sex with recently.

Other men, permanently damaged by a Black Widow Woman, never fully recover. For the rest of their lives, they will destroy all of their future relationships. These individuals live in a constant state of relationship anxiety and paranoia, accusing their partners of cheating and betrayal. Fortunately, some men recover from their past and build healthy relationships.

Kindness and Weakness. My second marriage is a perfect example. Why do some women see a Good Man, a Real Man, as a weak man? I know from personal experience. At the end of my second marriage, some friends told me, “Joe, you were too nice. You were too loyal. You were too good to her. You can’t treat women like that because they see it as weakness and will destroy you.” This isn’t necessarily true, of course. Only a small percentage of women fall into this category. I was in a relationship with a monster. I lied to myself and lived in a constant state of denial. The woman who I loved did not exist. I’d created her in my mind, much like a character in my novel. She knew I was a Good Man and would never hurt her or her two children. She used me like an asset until her kids were finished growing into young adulthood, and the contract ended. The details of her betrayal are too ugly to disclose to the world.

Not only have I used my pain for personal growth, but I reinvented myself and built a new life on the ashes of the old. I’ve spent these years in a constant state of Self-inventory and Self-improvement. I believe every man should aspire to become a better person, and make the world a better place.

What is a Real Man? What are the qualifications for being a Real Man? Based on my personal journey, observations, and my life experiences, this is my list. These are not listed by priority. I didn’t sit down and write this in one morning. It’s taken me a couple of weeks to finish it. Hopefully, I didn’t forget anything too important. Please feel free to comment if there’s something you’d like to add.

Okay, here we go, but please keep this in mind. I could continue to add qualifications all day and night, but nobody would continue to read all day and night. I feel this list will get my point across without the reader getting bored and moving on to another writer.

A Real Man will speak the truth or say nothing. It’s okay to say nothing or refuse to answer a question. The truth is easier and less complicated than trying to keep a web of lies straight. Recently, a close friend told me, “I don’t want to answer that question.” I had to respect her answer. I’ve said the same thing to friends a hundred times.

Live an honest life. This includes our business dealings, not stealing, and how a man handles himself daily. Make honest decisions. Make unselfish decisions.

Honor his wife—no physical, mental, or emotional cheating. A man should be proud of his wife. Placing her on a pedestal may sound extreme, but in some ways, it’s entirely appropriate. Everyone should know he’s taken. Not only because of the ring on his finger, but he should talk about her and show her to the world. There are quite a few women who are attracted to married men. No woman, regardless of anything, should be able to trap this man. What she doesn’t know does not hurt her. No, that’s horse shit. He should only have eyes for his wife. I know this is possible. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t have one second for other women.

He’s more than a Good Father; a Real Man excels at Fatherhood. He cherishes his children and their mother. I could spend hours writing about fatherhood, but I’ll save it for another post.

He would do anything to protect his family, including working as many hours or jobs as necessary to provide for them. He would kill or die to protect his loved ones. Killing is certainly better than dying. Recently, I had a conversation with a close friend about firearms. I have a high level of respect for this friend. She believes confrontations can be solved with words. I agree that most conflicts can and should be solved without violence. Unfortunately, there are situations requiring firearms. Home invasions and robberies happen every day. Today is October 30, 2024. Just last week, a man in Maine killed 18 people in a restaurant and bowling alley. Nobody was able to talk their way out of that situation. A single person carrying a pistol may have been able to save the lives of over a dozen people. My kids and son-in-law open and conceal carry firearms. They are highly trained in gun safety. I don’t want my family to be victims. That said, I believe in the power of words. Most situations can be handled without guns or violence.

Self-sacrifice. A Man will sacrifice every day for his family, such as suffering heavy snow before sunrise, to prepare his wife’s car for her drive to work. For those of you who haven’t lived in colder regions with heavy snow, I can promise you this is no walk in the park. Regardless, even if he doesn’t need to be up early, he will get up with his wife, make coffee and breakfast, and prepare his wife’s car for the harsh elements. And, if she’s scared to drive in the snow, he will take her to work, dropping her directly in front of the best door for the cold weather. And yes, he will get out of his car or truck (probably a truck) and open her door for her.

He never stops knowing his wife is beautiful. Let’s face it: we all get older, but women struggle more with age than men. The pressure of society places an incredible burden upon the minds of women to live up to its standard of what beauty is supposed to be. Regardless of age, a Real Man never stops seeing his wife as beautiful. She doesn’t need to use makeup to be beautiful. I’ve been married, so I know this is true. A man can grow old with a woman and see her beauty every day, telling her so for all of her days.

Chivalry is not dead. Men should be old-fashioned. Men should open doors for women. Help them with their chair. Carry groceries. Allow women to go first. Give up a seat on the bus. Kill spiders. You may laugh, but there are too many examples to list. Women know what I’m speaking of. Women, you know it’s true. You expect your man to be there for you when you need him to kill something creepy.

Protect the helpless. When I think of the most dangerous situations in my life, when I placed myself in harm’s way, it was not to protect myself. Nearly every time, it was to save someone else. I can walk away from a confrontation effortlessly. I care little for what someone says to me. More than once, I’ve been called ‘disarming’ by friends. Why? Because I can disarm a situation with words. Words are powerful! How many times have I written about this subject here in this blog? Probably a hundred times, at least.

This is the most essential qualification. A man must have a relationship with God. Now, I realize there are millions of people in this world who are not raised to believe in God. I understand entire nations are classified as Atheist Nations. Even so, adults have the opportunity and the responsibility to search for the truth. I know this to be true. If you ask God for a sign, something to prove his existence, he will show up. You must open your eyes, ears, and mind for the answer. A man must know God. He must have Faith. If he’s a family man, he must be an example for his children.

A man must work hard. I don’t recommend being a workaholic or placing work before family, but hard work is required. Sometimes, working more than one job is necessary to provide for himself or his family. I don’t enjoy having to pay bills and manage my paycheck. I would rather give my money to my Wife so she can handle the family finances. Yes, I give my Wife my paycheck. Unfortunately, in today’s economy, two incomes are usually needed for the family. Otherwise, a mother should stay home with her children until they’re in school. Permanently would be nice. There’s nothing wrong with a Wife and Mother being a homemaker. How many women would jump at the chance to stay home with their children if her husband could cover the finances? This situation is ideal for the kids’ health, especially in today’s society. A society seemingly bent on destroying our young people.

A man will not allow anyone to threaten his children. I’m giving this area special attention because of what’s happening in our schools today. Parents must have control over their children’s lives, not the school. No man should allow a school or any school system employee to interfere with their parenting. An example is the gender issue and the evil associated with it. My children are adults now. I promise you, if my kids were young, I may go to prison. Why? If someone began telling my child they could change their gender, I would go to that individual’s home and change their gender. Permanently. Yes, I sound like an extremist, but sometimes it’s necessary to stifle evil.

Assuming he’s married a Good Woman, a Real Man can and will give his wife unconditional trust. He’s not conceited, but he doesn’t have issues with jealousy or self-esteem either. He knows his wife will honor him as he honors her. I must add this. Neither the husband nor the wife will ever intentionally make the other jealous for any reason. Complete trust is everything. Without trust, there cannot be an authentic, and honest relationship.

A Real Man does not have to lock his wife out of his cellphone, tablet, or computer. He doesn’t have to worry about browsing history, voicemail, email, or social media. Why? Because he doesn’t go out for a fast-food cheeseburger when he has a steak at home. Here’s a fact. Most men cannot walk away from an easy woman who’s offering him sex. A Real Man can resist cheating effortlessly.

A Real Man keeps his woman or wife in a constant state of satisfaction, completely satisfied in every way. This certainly applies to sexual pleasure. He will keep his wife or girlfriend up nights without a doubt. I must add this. I believe it’s essential for both individuals to take care of themselves. This includes eating right, exercise, hygiene, and grooming. Nobody can be expected to physically desire someone with bad breath, greasy skin, body odor, or a boogers hanging out of their nose. Whatever we do to make ourselves desirable to our partner initially should be continued and maintained throughout the relationship. I’m not referring to natural changes attributed to age. I’m talking about those individuals who become lazy and let themselves go.

A Real Man will undoubtedly maintain his Wife’s vehicle. This includes oil changes, detailed cleaning, tune-ups, and even filling the gas tank whenever possible. She shouldn’t worry about her tires, windshield wipers, or anything related to her car or truck.

There is more, of course. I could continue for days.

Joseph Shanklin

November, 2023