The Bullshit Test [Spring 2019 – New Edited Version]

The Bullshit Test was first written in the Spring of 2019. I wrote the test as a statement. Besides, like sobriety, if you teach it, talk about it, or give it away, it’s easier to maintain it. In this case . . . it . . . is honesty.

For anyone new to my writing, believe it or not, I spent all of 2019 and most of 2020 on probation for a drug charge. Yes, even a conservative semi-extremist like myself can not only be an addict but get caught perfecting his addictive qualities. Except for a few weeks, I dropped 3-4 Unine Tests each week throughout the entire pandemic. I even wrote about it and included pictures.

Throughout probation, I had the honor of writing for the Drug Court Newsletter. I’d only recently started writing, so the experience was exciting. Between this blog, newsletter, and my Novel, writing had become a passion. And to think I failed high school English Class—all of my high school English Classes. You have to show up to pass.

Frustrated with watching people stand before our Drug Court Judge and lie, I pieced together the Bullshit Test throughout two or three court appearances. Not that I haven’t lied to a judge, but the entire point of drug treatment is honesty. Especially this particular Drug Court Program. In fact, we were expected to immediately report any and all substance abuse. What we used and how we used it. I can’t even begin to explain the difficulty sending that email to my probation officer. It’s the same [honesty] that’s kept me sober for the past four and a half years.

The test is rather long, so I’ve decided to split it into two pieces. I’ll post Part 1, Part 2, and finally, the entire piece.

THE BULLSHIT TEST [Part 1]

A few words of caution. The following Test uses foul language. More specifically, the word BULLSHIT appears repeatedly. While participating in the Test, if at any time you feel singled out or insulted, DO NOT BE ALARMED. The Test has been carefully crafted in such a way as to force an emotional response—more for some than others.

Take a break if necessary. If you cannot continue, consider pushing the Test back until another time. Procrastination may be precisely what you need and what you’re used to. There’s always tomorrow, next week, or next month. If you struggle with facing REAL SHIT and refuse to OWN YOUR SHIT, then the very thought of CHANGE may cause a high level of anxiety.

DISCLAIMER

1) You may determine that you have a few Dishonesty Issues or that your life is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. If you’re discovering this for the first time, the news may be unsettling. Hang in there and continue to breathe. Chances are, everyone else already knows the truth.

2) You may or may not be full of shit. Self-inventory can be challenging, painful, or nearly impossible for liars. You may become angry during or after this Test; if you’re full of shit, then you have a long overdue reality check coming. Smile, the wait is over.

3) When faced with the reality of waking up and discovering the truth, it’s possible for some individuals to experience severe side effects. Regardless of whether or not this is a good thing, the creator of The Bullshit Test will not be held responsible.

4) The creator of the Bullshit Test will not be held responsible for any mental or emotional pain and discomfort associated with taking the Test. Everyone must own their shit during the Test and life in general.

5) Taking the Bullshit Test can be a powerful experience and may cause a variety of uncomfortable side effects such as Anger, Sadness, Anxiety, Fear, Hostility, Depression, and Confusion.

INTRODUCTION

Why do we need a Bullshit Test? The world is overflowing with Bullshit, Horseshit, and purveyors of lies and deceit. The mainstream media is a perfect example. The hour is late. We must draw a line in the sand and take a stand against Bullshit everywhere. Whether you’re considering testing yourself or administering it to another, congratulations on joining the campaign against Exaggeration, Indulgence, Deflection, Manipulation, Projecting Personal Shit onto Others, Passive-Aggressiveness, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Living a life of endless dishonesty is, at the very least, debilitating. If you are infected with the Bullshit Virus, the truth may set you free from this prison, but only if you choose to break the cycle and free yourself. Can you do it? Can you speak the truth from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep?

For those extraordinary individuals who live this way, skip to SECTION B. If you’re unsure whether or not you’re an honest person, then continue reading. If you have dishonest tendencies but in a limited fashion, continue reading. If you are required to lie for a living, and your employer insists you do so, continue reading. If lies and deceit rule your day, continue reading. If you’re considering skipping to SECTION B and then skipping back, yes, you guessed correctly, continue reading.

End Of Part 1

Joseph Shanklin